What makes some children more resistant to pornography–even when given the same information about its dangers? And which factors increase the effectiveness of a child’s digital safety training?

Every concerned parent wants to help their child reject pornography and avoid all of its harms. And to do that, it’s important not only to ask “What’s the best way to explain this to my child?” but also “How do I show up for my child when they need support?” 

How a child perceives their relationship to their parent makes a big difference in their parent’s ability to instill “porn-proofing” attitudes. Here are four approaches a parent can take that increase the effectiveness of the education they provide—how those lessons, information and skills really stick in their child’s mind and influence their behavior.

Become the Trusted One

Kids trust who they feel the closest to. The best arguments and information in the world about why kids should resist pornography is not enough to convince every child to follow that advice. The field of prevention science has taught us that the number one factor in a child following a parent’s advice is the strength of the parent-child bond.

Related: How to Discipline in the Digital Age: 5 Top Tips for Parents

My wife and I discovered this reality for ourselves. Our children did not embrace our beliefs about the dangers of pornography because of our skill at persuasion. Our kids trusted our advice because we worked very hard to develop a close relationship with them.

However, it is important to understand what a “close” relationship is. A parent and child can enjoy doing activities together and not have a particularly strong parent-child bond. The strength of the parent-child relational bond is related to how openly each is allowed to share their feelings. A child feels truly known and understood when they are free to share their feelings and to a parent who truly listens to them. 

Alongside discussions about  pornography, it is important for the parent to work on their emotional relationship in order to build trust.

Become the Expert

When kids understand what healthy sex is, they can better understand why pornography is harmful. Healthy sex is loving, selfless, and empowering. If parents don’t teach this, kids can easily embrace a toxic, counterfeit version of sex without knowing it. 

Related: Healthy Sex vs. Porn Sex: 7 Crucial Comparisons to Teach Your Kid (Before XXX Hijacks Their Future)

Unfortunately, my sex education as a child was through pornography and what older kids told me. Through these sources I learned that sex is violent, selfish, and degrading. I had no other viewpoint to compare what porn taught me about sex. When I became a parent, I wanted better for my kids.

When the parent is the first one to explain sex to their children, the parent becomes the expert on sex to their child, rather than a kid down the street or the Internet. When educated by parents, a child can internalize, “I know what healthy sex is, I can recognize counterfeits, and Mom and Dad are the go-to experts if I have any questions.”

Become the Safe One

When parents train their children what to do when they encounter pornography, parents become the safe person to tell when exposure does happen. Without guidance, children do not know who to tell, if anyone. 

Related: Kids & the Internet: How to Prepare, Prevent and Protect

My parents never told me that pornography existed or what to do if I ever encountered it. When friends showed pornography to me at age 9, I didn’t know what to do, so I told no one. There was no safe person.

When a parent coaches their child on what to do when they are exposed, it is good to include, “You will not be in trouble if you tell me you have seen or heard something.” This encourages a child to view their parents as the safe one to tell.

Be the Truthful One (about sexual attraction)

Children are very good at detecting half-truths. This is why it is wise to discuss the reality of sexual attraction a child will eventually experience before it happens. Without that information, a child can become confused or even distrustful.

When a child experiences sexual interest or attraction with no prior information there are two likely outcomes, neither of which are positive:

1. They feel something is wrong with them or that they are defective. This leads to shame and hiding. 
2. They realize their parents knew about this but did not tell them, leading them to be distrustful of their parents and wonder what else their parents aren’t telling them.

When a parent does discuss the reality of sexual feelings, and those feelings begin, the child discovers that their parents do understand what they are going through and can be trusted.

So let’s wrap up. 

1. Become the trusted one in order to have more influence and credibility with your child.
2. Become the expert in order to teach kids healthy views about sex.
3. Become the safe one so kids won’t be afraid to report exposure.
4. Be the truthful one and prepare kids for the normal sexual feelings they will experience.

These four relational approaches go a long way in motivating a child to embrace their parent’s values and advice when it comes to resisting pornography.

You can learn more about these and other helpful approaches in my latest book, Don’t Stress Talking Sex: Starting Honest, Healthy Conversations with Your Kids.